It was not the sort of message you put off answering, but he waited three weeks to reply. Three weeks? His response: “I’m flattered, but . . .” My friend politely explained that she figured as much, and after a laugh and a “Talk to you later,” they hung up and haven’t spoken since.

My friend was livid at the time, but you wouldn’t know it. What she wanted to say was “Oh, I am so over you. I kind of got the message like three weeks back that you weren’t that into me and now I’m just not that into you anymore so get over yourself.” But she didn’t. She kept her feelings to herself and since then can’t stop thinking and talking about it. She is still dealing with anger over his inconsideration in his delayed response after she opened her heart and mind to him, and, sure, the hurt of rejection. But I think if she had spoken her mind, she would feel a lot better now.

Why is it that we never say the things we really want to say at the times when we really want to say them? We all face situations where someone says something which draws our ire and stirs up negative emotions, and what do we do? We just sit there taking it in with a calm and polite demeanor, the picture of lady-like gentility, while on the inside we’ve become a shrieking fury, grinding our teeth and telling them in no uncertain terms what we really think.

Why do we do this to ourselves? What are we waiting for? What do we have to lose? What do we have to gain by not speaking up? What are we afraid of?

There is no one easy answer to any of these questions. Most people are raised to be polite and to not start arguments, so ingrained habit keeps us quiet. At other times we just want to look like we have it all together, cool and collected under pressure. To lose one’s temper and blow off steam publicly means dropping the Zen façade. Sometimes we keep our mouths shut because we don’t want to be rude—truthful, but rude.

Often we don’t trust ourselves to say the right thing, or fear the regret we’ll face later for losing our cool. It feels easier to not cause conflict. The last thing we want is to stir up trouble, which inevitably means stirring up emotions. And God forbid we get rejected for speaking up. The fear and pain of rejection seems much worse than expressing what you really feel. Whatever the reason, we become pushovers to keep the peace. Except there is no peace on the inside. Our hearts and minds are in turmoil. We long to stand up for ourselves and for what’s right, but we don’t.

Whether it’s a boss, co-worker, friend, family member, or significant other, we have to be willing to embrace our fears or forsake our reasons for silence and speak up. Waiting until the timing is right is a good idea, but sometimes the Time is Now. You might tell someone that a habit of theirs is annoying. It may be telling off a potential love interest who is stringing you along. It may mean confronting a verbally abusive spouse, an act which results in the end of the marriage, but in the long run, you’ll be at peace for having done the right thing.

You’ll be surprised at who is receptive to your words. Some people may respect you more for speaking up. If they reject you, is that really a loss? If they don’t accept you for who you are and how you feel, then good riddance. Speaking out is hard at first, but it gets easier with practice. In time, you’ll be able to say what’s really on your mind with cool confidence.

If you have a positive experience in finally speaking up, I want to hear about it. Post your encounter and how you felt afterward to inspire others to do the same. I look forward to reading your posts!

I hate Valentine’s Day.

When you’re married or have a boyfriend or fiancé, you expect to get something – a card, a box of candy, roses, dinner.  And if your significant other is smart, he’ll make sure he has those things in place long before it’s time to present you with a symbol of his love.  It usually takes just one missed Valentine’s Day to learn this most important lesson: Do Not Forget Valentine’s Day.

But when you’re single, this holiday of love can be a pain.  You see your friends and co-workers receiving bouquets and gifts and you wish that once, just once, you are the recipient.  Just once you would like to feel special, wanted and loved.

I really hate Valentine’s Day.

I used to protest Valentine’s Day by wearing black on February 14th.  It wasn’t because I was in mourning (though I really was); it was because black is cold and dark, a contrast to the fiery passion and brightness of red, or warm romanticism of pink.  Then a co-worker – also a Valentine’s Day protestor – explained that she stopped wearing black (Ha!  So I’m not the only one who’s done it) because it still acknowledged Valentine’s Day, the very thing she was trying not to do

Sometimes you just can’t win for trying.

For single gals, Valentine’s Day merely adds insult to injury.  I mean, we just survived being alone during Christmas with no one to cuddle with around the tree, no one whose arm to hold onto at the company Christmas party and prove to your co-workers that hey, look, I do have a life outside the office!  And then WHAM!  After a brief January respite, we get slapped with International Love and Chocolate Day . . . and we still have no one to give us love or chocolate.

I really, truly, madly, deeply hate Valentine’s Day.

By the end of the day, the trauma is over – until next year.  It’s no longer a big deal and you self-righteously tell yourself that you didn’t need those extra calories from a box of chocolates anyway; that flowers quickly die and are a waste of money; and aren’t I glad I didn’t give into consumer materialism, because I’m much better than that.  And wasn’t it King Henry VIII who declared it an official holiday – like he’s some kind of paragon of virtuous love?  And then didn’t the Catholic Church take it off its calendar in 1969, so really, we shouldn’t acknowledge it?

And then that night, you watch your favorite romantic movie and sigh and hope and wish and pray that next year, just maybe, things will be different.  Maybe next year you’ll get roses, chocolates, perfume, dinner, a kiss.  Maybe next year you won’t be single and you can say

I love Valentine’s Day.

Throughout the world and throughout time, there have been people who rose up and said “Enough” to discrimination.  Discrimination based on gender, race, creed, lifestyle, mental capacity, physical ability, and size unfortunately and unbelievably still exists.  Today, I am writing to add my voice to those who say, “Enough.” 

One form of discrimination is the prejudice against overweight people.  Whether a person merely has a pronounced paunch or can’t get out of bed because of their size, fat people must endure the scorn, even hatred, of others.

Obesity isn’t a twentieth century invention.  History records severely overweight people even from Roman times.  So, as it turns out, fast food and preservatives and trans fats aren’t entirely to blame for the obesity epidemic.  Lack of self-control is still the main culprit.

It is this lack of self-control which angers people.  We overweight ones see the disgusted looks and hear the insults and mockery from thinner folk as we try to fit into this world—”try” being the key phrase.  This world isn’t made for big people.  We struggle to fit into “normal”-size chairs, car, airplanes, and restroom stalls.  We must buy “plus size” clothing, so termed because it’s out of the range of “normal”-size clothing.

A couple months ago, I went into the AmandaE store on Trafalgar Street.  The salesgirl tried to dissuade me from trying on shoes, saying they didn’t carry many in my size.  She also said she didn’t want me stretching their leather shoes—with my fat feet, of course.  I was asked to leave because she said she worked on commission and since I couldn’t fit into anything there, she couldn’t make any money off of me.  She then accused me of making the other customers uncomfortable because of my size.  The manager voiced the hope that I wouldn’t return.

To paraphrase their words: “You’re fat; get out; don’t come back.”  But the fact is, the salesgirl could have made money off of me.  There were plenty of accessories which she might have shown me—if she had looked beyond my weight.  But she didn’t.  To her I was just an inferior being.  And that’s what it boils down to: fat people are considered inferior.  We don’t deserve to be treated with respect.

On behalf of every overweight person, I ask you, “normal”-size and skinny people, to show the same respect to an overweight person as you would someone your own size.  We don’t deserve or ask for special treatment.  We just want to be accepted—the “we” that’s underneath all that fat, the “we” with great sense of humors and high intelligence and the same interests and likes and dislikes which you have.

It is unthinkable to deny minorities a job because of their race, or take away a woman’s right to vote, or eject a handicapped person from a venue because their wheelchair gets in the way.  So why is it acceptable to discriminate against a fat person?  AmandaE, are you listening?  Good.  Because I’ve lost weight and I’m still losing weight.  And when I can fit into your clothes, I won’t be shopping at your stores unless you offer less bigotry and more tolerance.

It wasn’t but a couple generations ago that the main goal in most women’s lives was to get married and have kids.  But times have changed.  Women have more opportunities to support themselves, hence they don’t need to rely on a man to support them.

The term “Cinderella Complex,” describes the fear many women have of being independent and wanting to be rescued from their circumstances.  Despite feminist strides towards equality, we are still inundated with that fairy tale wish.  It is this complex which traps so many women in dysfunctional and abusive relationships.  Yet it is a trap of their own making.  But springing the trap means freedom and with freedom comes responsibility—a responsibility many women are afraid of assuming.

Once you learn to be a princess without needing to be rescued, you can finally live happily ever after.  Because the only person who can rescue you is yourself.

There are four basic ideals which men look for in women.  Those are:

1. Men like a confident woman.  She can be quietly confident or an energetic extrovert, just as long as she shows confidence in herself.
2. Men appreciate a woman who takes care of herself (hair, teeth, nails, weight).  If a woman isn’t going to bother about her looks, it speaks volumes about her care of other areas of her life.
3. Men like a woman who is nice.  She doesn’t have to be sickeningly sweet, just a considerate person.  How she treats others indicates how she’ll treat her significant other.
4. Men like honest women.  A woman who isn’t afraid to speak her mind and not play games or shape-shift to conform to what she thinks a guy wants, or kowtow to his likes and dislikes just to keep him, is a keeper. It also shows she is trustworthy.

Confidence, care, kindness, honesty: with these attributes, it’s only a matter of time before you find a guy who is the same.  And even if you’re a little on the heavy side, he won’t mind when you jump on a waterbed and cause a tsunami, because what’s on the inside will count more than what’s on the outside.

“Fat” in this world is just plain wrong.  Therefore, as a fat person, I am less than perfect.  And so I want to lose weight to become perfect.

Yes, I am guilty of buying into the religion of perfection.  Because no matter what I accomplish, how smart I am, what a great sense of humour I have, or how nice I am, it makes no difference because I am fat.

I want it to be true that you don’t have to be a size zero to be perfect, which is partly why I have been filling my head with books which feature plus-size heroines finding peace and getting their man despite the world’s perceptions of them and their weight.  Yet deep down, I know being thin doesn’t guarantee acceptance.  But it sure seems that way from this side of the scale.

Perfection comes at a high price, most noticeably the fear of not being perfect.  Maybe if we quit trying to be perfect, quit trying to please others, quit avoiding rejection, and just be ourselves, that we’ll becomes stronger and find peace.

Sounds like the perfect plan.

Luckily, this is the era of plastic surgery.  If you can afford it, you can have it surgically altered.  Those years of being teased at school and its subsequent psychological damage can be cut away with the surgeon’s scalpel.

But how much is too much plastic surgery?  We’ve all seen celebrities who get multiple surgeries until they look like plastic dolls.  They look disfigured, a reflection of their corrupted self-image.

If you are considering plastic surgery, ask yourself these questions: what do I like about myself?  Is the thing I want to change really something I can live with?  Be content with?

Don’t wait until after plastic surgery to start loving yourself as you are.  Loving yourself is an everyday choice.  Take the Just As I Am challenge. Find 5 things about yourself that you like, even if it just the shape of your left pinky toe.  When you stop focusing on the attributes you dislike and concentrate on those things you do like, you’ll be one step closer to loving yourself just as you are.

I encourage you to visit my  Just as I am Photo Montage and post those five things about yourself which you love, along with a photo of yourself. Challenge your friends to do the same.  Over time I hope to see a huge montage of all the photos received from people all around the world.  We’ll see how many people are learning to love themselves Just As I Am.

Advertisers know from years of experience how to excite our interest, how to keep us shopping, and how to spend money we don’t have with the right words and music.  You probably won’t hear soothing Christmas melodies piped over a store intercom.  Oh no, it’ll be the hip-hop version of O Holy Night to keep your senses alert and on the edge—and more apt to spend.

Every year, it’s the same old thing.  Spend and eat, spend and eat.  And then what happen on Christmas Day?  The commercials change to diet programs, get-your-membership-to-the-gym-and-start-that-New Year’s-resolution-to-lose-weight-now, and come-see-our-after-Christmas sales.  The message goes from “You aren’t happy yet” to “Because you regret how much you ate/spent, let us help you spend more to alleviate your guilt.”

Happy Holidays?  I don’t think so.  So how do you face the delicious temptations awaiting at the office party, the other parties you have to attend so friends aren’t offended, and the big family gathering, without blowing your diet or gaining a few pounds?  Here are a few suggestions which help me:

1.      Just say no.  Determine before you go that you will not eat anything unhealthy.  Don’t give yourself the excuse, “This is an unusual dessert or it’s only made around Christmas, so that’s why I’ll have a bite.”  Nonsense.  Show me a dessert or other treat which can’t be made at any other time during the year.  See?  So there goes that excuse.

2.      If you go to a dinner party, eat small portions.  Eat slowly.  You’ll feel full faster.  Again, make sure you choose the healthier selections, or eat more meat and fewer carbohydrates.

3.      Don’t go to the party.  If temptation is too great, then don’t put yourself in temptation’s way.  Skip the party to go help serve food at a soup kitchen for the homeless.  No one is going to be truly mad at you for skipping their party to help other people, and if they are, Father Christmas will leave them a lump of coal in their stocking.  Meanwhile, you may find new meaning in the holidays by helping the less fortunate.

4.      Tell yourself you’ll have dessert next time—and then keep telling yourself that.  Remember, which feels better: the taste of food or the joy of not being overweight?

5.      If you absolutely can’t get out of going to a party, spend a quarter hour on the Internet before you go looking at web sites of the world’s fattest people.  It won’t be a pretty sight and it’s actually quite sad, but I promise you will be less apt to overindulge with those images in your mind.

Remember that the holidays aren’t about eating.  They’re about giving and being with family.  Start a new tradition in your family which doesn’t center around the dinner table.  Get out and be active.  Make your holidays happy without the calories.  You’ll be glad you did.

~~Bella White

There probably aren’t many people in the world who haven’t been told by another that they looked fine.  They may be happy carrying around twenty extra pounds while you aren’t.  Or maybe they really don’t notice your weight.  So how can you trust them to give an objective opinion?

On the other hand, look extreme anorexics.  They look like skeletons and yet if you show them a photo of an average-size person, they see someone who is fat.  Or think of a movie star or singer who is suddenly propelled into the spotlight.  We think they look fine—until they become a spokesperson for a weight loss program and drop several dress sizes.  Now they look even better.  Why did we think they looked good when they were really overweight?

What we interpret as too big or too flabby depends on what we compare ourselves to.  Forget about comparing yourself to a model.  They are paid to be underweight.  And don’t compare yourself to your sister or friend: everyone’s got different genes and metabolisms.  The only person you can compare yourself to is you.  And if you’re honest, the ideal weight needs to come with healthy eating habits.  Better health means better perceptions and choices.  Now that’s incomparable.

Life is like that.  One minute we experience the greatest happiness; the next we plummet into despair.  You’re on the mountaintop, the sun is shining, and everything finally seems to be coming together; then we see that beyond the summit, the mountain goes down, the clouds hide the sun, and everything unravels.

The trick to weathering these storms and skewed plans is attitude.  Should a rogue element change you even as it changes your plans?  Does it change who you are fundamentally?  It doesn’t have to.  And why should it?  It doesn’t have to determine your happiness.  You don’t have to let it control you.

If you have confidence in yourself, you will be unstoppable.  No matter what people say about you or what surprises up-end your perception of reality or people or life, if you keep a confident attitude, you will be in control. But the minute you let doubt creep in, you’ve lost.

Take losing weight for example.  Will you lose weight if you constantly second-guess your exercise regimen and diet?  If you’re unsure of your diet, you won’t lose weight because you’ve already unconsciously told yourself that you cannot and that this particular diet won’t work.  Your conscious mind merely follows the unconscious decision.

Whatever happens to disrupt our plans, our greatest obstacle and enemy is ourselves.  You won’t accomplish anything through doubt.  You will succeed if you believe in yourself.  So start believing.

It’s easy to think, “Well, this is the way I am.  Besides, it’s hard for me to lose weight.”  Read that again: I, me.  When a person focuses on themselves in an unhealthy way, they usually don’t respect themselves and don’t have the respect of those around them.

When you begin to respect yourself—which sometimes comes through hard work, whether at losing weight or other accomplishments—you create an aura around you and people follow your lead.  When you respect yourself to stand up for yourself or do the right thing or say the right thing, you come out the winner.

If you don’t respect yourself, who will?  If you don’t have confidence in yourself, who will?  No matter what has happened to you in the past, today is a new day.  It’s time for a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.